Assertiveness

How Assertive Are You?
Ask yourself the following questions.
Do you ask for help if you need it?
Do you express anger and annoyance appropriately?
Do you ask questions when you're confused?
Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others?
Do you speak up in class fairly frequently?
Are you able to say "no" when you don't want to do something?
Do you speak with a generally confident manner, communicating caring and strength?
Do you look at people when you're talking to them?

4 Types of Assertion

Basic Assertion
This is a simple, straightforward expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. It's usually a simple "I want" or "I feel" statement.

Empathic Assertion
This conveys some sensitivity to the other person. It usually contains two parts- a recognition of the other person's situation or feelings, followed by a statement in which you stand up for your rights.
Example: "I know you've really been busy, but I want to feel that our relationship is important to you. I want you to make time for me and for us."

Escalating Assertion
This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertion and continues to violate your rights. You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It may even include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part, made only after several basic assertive statements.
Example, "If you don't complete the work on my car by 5:00 tomorrow, I'll be forced to call the Better Business Bureau."

I-Language Assertion
This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement:

• When you do . . . (describe the behavior).
• The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely affects you).
• I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want).

The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame the other person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion. I-Language Assertion can help you constructively focus that anger and be clear about your own feelings.
Example: When you didn't buy the groceries like yo said yo would, I couldn't cook the dinner for my parents. I feel hurt and angry with you. Next time, I'd like you to follow through when you agree to do something like. that."

The first step to developing assertiveness
Develop a value and belief system which allows you to assert yourself. This is the hardest part. It means giving yourself permission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, to make mistakes.