Self-care journey

Those of us who have experienced the manipulative nature of controlling individuals can become experts in our own self care, can regain control over our lives, and can be responsible for our own individual journey of recovery.

It started for me in the prime of my youth. At first I could not name it. It came like a thief in the night and robbed me of my youth, my dreams, my aspirations and my future. It came upon me like a terrifying nightmare that we could not awaken from. But when morning came I raged.

However, I had such courage - my youthful optimism waved like triumphant flags at a homecoming parade. When I first spoke with others about abusive situations I was experiencing with people I trusted (i.e. an uncle, a father-figure, boyfriends), I quickly found that nothing was the same anymore. My friends became strangely absent, sometimes even siding with the abusive person. They were overly careful when near me. My family grew distraught and torn by guilt...the topic felt taboo. I felt ashamed...guilty.

And I swear, with all the courage I could muster I tried to return to work and to school, I tried to pick up the pieces, and I prayed for the strength and perseverance to keep trying. But it seemed that a deaf ear had turned to my prayers. The terrible distress came back, relationship after relationship, in different forms, and my life became shattered once again. Was this a matter of me making poor choices in relationships? Was it me not asserting myself? Was I asserting myself too much? Was any of this related to growing up in a single-parent household with no father to role model a relationship after? Or did the other person just change? Did they already have that abusive tendency in them? The questions plagued me...I had no answer. It seemed that these men tried to break my spirit and were more intent on gaining, even coercing my compliance, than respecting me.

Over time, I found myself undergoing that dehumanizing transformation from being a person to being worthless...a person deemed by society's blind eye not even worth saving. Each relationship repeated this dehumanizing litany, my sense of being a person was diminished as "worthless" loomed as an all powerful personal summary, an "initself" that I was taught I was powerless over. The self I had been seemed to fade farther and farther away, like a dream that belonged to somebody else. The future seemed bleak and empty and promised nothing but more suffering. And the present became an endless succession of moments marked by the next beration and the next.

So much of what I was suffering was overlooked. The context of my life was largely ignored. I continually fought not to lose my innocence, my values, my humanism; to give up was to give in and let them win. Yet much of what I was going through were simply human experiences - experiences such as loss and grief, shock and fear, and loneliness. One by one friends left and it became too difficult to trust anyone. I feared losing everything. I felt abandoned in my ever-deepening winter.

Aging was no longer marked by the milestones of a year's accomplishments but rather by the numbing pain of successive failures. I tried and failed and tried and failed until it hurt too much
to try anymore. In a last, desperate attempt to protect myself, I gave up trying to fight the seemingly inevitable. I gave up trying to get counselling, trying to find someone to talk to, someone to understand, perhaps someone to save me. Giving up was a solution for me at the time. It numbed the pain. There was a point where I was willing to sacrifice enormous parts of myself in order to say "I don't care." Giving up numbed the pain because I stopped asking "why and how can I make things get better?" Even the simplest of tasks is overwhelming at this time. I learned to be helpless because that was safer than being completely hopeless.

My temperment continued to atrophy through this adaptive strategy of not caring anymore, and my immediate family suffered through rage-filled outbursts of invalidation. I have described what it feels like on the inside as it is being lived. But friends, relatives, and others merely see the anguish and indifference from the outside. From the outside it appears that the person just isn't trying anymore, is psychologically weak, or is making poor choices. Many will say that I was suffering the natural consequences of bad decisions, of not asserting myself, or letting others take control over my life.

I did not want to abandon myself as a "hopeless case," victim to the ebb and tide of abusive relationships and harassing behaviours. I decided that only I could save myself, so I waited for my environment to change so that the real person within me could emerge and grow. I use the word environment to include, not just the physical environment, but also the human interactive
environment that we call relationship. Waiting only worked to the point of allowing me to assess situations, to try to predict causes and outcomes, to "play the game" to assure my safety until I could muster the courage and strength to act. It became a lengthy process that only provided me with the illusion of regaining control over my abusive situation. The control was not real, but I didn't recognize that. I was inevitably prolonging the point at which I needed to act...to leave...to assert myself...to do something healthy for me.

The truth is that at some point every single person who has experienced domestic violence passes through this time of anguish and apathy, even if only for a short while. Remember that giving up is a solution that is easy to fall back on. Giving up is a way of surviving in environments which are desolate, oppressive places and which fail to nurture and support us. The task that faced me was to move from just surviving, to recovering. But in order to do this, the environments in which I was spending my time needed to change.

Marie Balter expressed this hope when asked, "Do you think that everybody can get better?" she responded: "It's not up to us to decide if they can or can't. Just give everybody the chance to get better and then let them go at their own pace. And we have to be positive - supporting their desire to live better and not always insisting on their productivity as a measure of their success". (Balter 1987, p.153). Who's job is it to pass judgment on who will and will not recover from the damaging effects of abuse and the spirit breaking effects of abandonment, neglect, stigma, dehumanization, degradation and learned helplessness? We must commit ourselves to removing environmental barriers which block people's efforts towards recovery and which keep us locked in a mode of just trying to survive.

Real change can be quite uncomfortable for those in recovery, whether it's from addiction, mental illness, or domestic violence. It is important that victims of abuse become responsible agents in our own recovery process. Recovery does not refer to an end product or result. It does not mean that one is "cured" nor does not mean that one won't experience abuse again. Recovery involves a transformation of the self wherein one both accepts ones limitation and discovers a new world of possibility. This is the paradox of recovery i.e., that in accepting what we cannot do or be, we begin to discover who we can be and what we can do. Thus, recovery is a process. It is a way of life. It is an attitude and a way of approaching the day's challenges. It is not a perfectly linear process. Like a seedling, recovery has its seasons, its time of downward growth into the darkness to secure new roots and then the times of breaking out into the sunlight. But most of all recovery is a slow, deliberate process that occurs by poking through one little grain of sand at a time. The work of personal growth is slow and difficult but the result is beautiful and wondrous.

Assertiveness

How Assertive Are You?
Ask yourself the following questions.
Do you ask for help if you need it?
Do you express anger and annoyance appropriately?
Do you ask questions when you're confused?
Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others?
Do you speak up in class fairly frequently?
Are you able to say "no" when you don't want to do something?
Do you speak with a generally confident manner, communicating caring and strength?
Do you look at people when you're talking to them?

4 Types of Assertion

Basic Assertion
This is a simple, straightforward expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. It's usually a simple "I want" or "I feel" statement.

Empathic Assertion
This conveys some sensitivity to the other person. It usually contains two parts- a recognition of the other person's situation or feelings, followed by a statement in which you stand up for your rights.
Example: "I know you've really been busy, but I want to feel that our relationship is important to you. I want you to make time for me and for us."

Escalating Assertion
This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertion and continues to violate your rights. You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It may even include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part, made only after several basic assertive statements.
Example, "If you don't complete the work on my car by 5:00 tomorrow, I'll be forced to call the Better Business Bureau."

I-Language Assertion
This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement:

• When you do . . . (describe the behavior).
• The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely affects you).
• I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want).

The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame the other person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion. I-Language Assertion can help you constructively focus that anger and be clear about your own feelings.
Example: When you didn't buy the groceries like yo said yo would, I couldn't cook the dinner for my parents. I feel hurt and angry with you. Next time, I'd like you to follow through when you agree to do something like. that."

The first step to developing assertiveness
Develop a value and belief system which allows you to assert yourself. This is the hardest part. It means giving yourself permission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, to make mistakes.

Courage under Fire

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao Tzu, philosopher

I have reflected on this quote over the last two months, and on my outlook on close relationships. I learned about love via being the recipient of unconditional love from my family. Their love made me feel as if I were the most important person in their eyes, and gave me the strength to take risks in discovering my authentic self. Their love has taught me to love others without expectation or reservation, to create a safe space for my friends and lovers to express their authentic spirits. I pride myself in having few close friends, and many acquaintances. I am not somebody who views relationships as disposable--they have invaluable value, providing they are genuine. I make the conscious choice to eliminate unhealthy or toxic relationships from my life--there is no room in my world for negative energy. I treasure my relationships with others, despite seeing many friendships and partnerships subjected to neglect or being taken for granted.

An old acquaintance once told me that he would do anything for his friends, yet when that opportunity came, he turned his back; perhaps because he didn't understand what his friend was going through or perhaps because he didn't want to deal with someone else's issues. He obviously did not recognize his hypocrisy when he distanced himself instead of extending a hand. I too believe I would do anything for my friends, except my history has shown that I walk the walk, sacrificing personal integrity to protect those I consider dear to my heart. I am saddened and disappointed with lip service from people who profess to have insight into the psyche of human beings, and in the same breath, are capable of turning their back.

It takes courage to walk the walk while willingly accepting the consequences.