"Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here"
-Marianne Williamson writer and peace activist.
I think back to my youth often. My home is adorned with photos of my childhood, ensuring I don't forget the love and happiness that enveloped my formative years. There are days when I wish I could return to those times: ah, to be held in the all-encompassing arms of a loved one. My family ensured that I not only knew I was loved, but that I felt loved. I was exceptionally devoted to my maternal grandparents. Each was guilty of transgressions, as us all, but both had admirable virtues, under which the premise of good intentions and hard work lay.
If we are all born with love, and with the desire to be loved, then why is it that some people consciously or unconsciously sabotage those efforts via their life choices? What drives us to run from love? I hypothesize that it is fear, but fear of what? Fear of abandonment appears to be the root cause. People fear that others would take advantage of their vulnerability, resulting in judgement or misperception, leading to personal rejection, and ultimately abandonment. This fear tends to drive the power struggle seen in many relationships: hurt the other before they hurt you; leave the other before they leave you.
If my theory holds true, then how do we end this cycle, or at least minimize its destructive potential? The first step, as with any other problem, is to acknowledge its existance or potential existance. Dr. Phil's recognition that we cannot change what we don't acknowledge is valid. It's often the first goal in marriage counselling: to try to get each person to concede to their individual contribution to the problem. The next step in the process is to investigate the rationale behind our actions; after all, we all have choices with regard to our behaviour and, no matter how terrible our actions, we need to personally account for them--sometimes to others, but always to ourselves.
-Marianne Williamson writer and peace activist.
I think back to my youth often. My home is adorned with photos of my childhood, ensuring I don't forget the love and happiness that enveloped my formative years. There are days when I wish I could return to those times: ah, to be held in the all-encompassing arms of a loved one. My family ensured that I not only knew I was loved, but that I felt loved. I was exceptionally devoted to my maternal grandparents. Each was guilty of transgressions, as us all, but both had admirable virtues, under which the premise of good intentions and hard work lay.
If we are all born with love, and with the desire to be loved, then why is it that some people consciously or unconsciously sabotage those efforts via their life choices? What drives us to run from love? I hypothesize that it is fear, but fear of what? Fear of abandonment appears to be the root cause. People fear that others would take advantage of their vulnerability, resulting in judgement or misperception, leading to personal rejection, and ultimately abandonment. This fear tends to drive the power struggle seen in many relationships: hurt the other before they hurt you; leave the other before they leave you.
If my theory holds true, then how do we end this cycle, or at least minimize its destructive potential? The first step, as with any other problem, is to acknowledge its existance or potential existance. Dr. Phil's recognition that we cannot change what we don't acknowledge is valid. It's often the first goal in marriage counselling: to try to get each person to concede to their individual contribution to the problem. The next step in the process is to investigate the rationale behind our actions; after all, we all have choices with regard to our behaviour and, no matter how terrible our actions, we need to personally account for them--sometimes to others, but always to ourselves.
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